Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous and strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13 NIV
There has been an overwhelming theme of “walking courageously confident” around my life right now. For a while this theme came from influences online, devotionals, and people speaking into my life.
The theme has come in a very hard time of struggling with insecurities and questions of what I’m supposed to be doing in the season of my life.
In the lens of insecurity – or just honestly let’s call it what it has been – inward/selfish focus – This struggle made it seem that when I have lead confidently in a position or in a prompting, someone is left offended. Or what I have said or done is not what someone feels I should’ve said or done. It can feel like a decision or action is either too much or not enough. All of these emotions most likely surface because instead of confidently walking in a decision, I’m wondering what people think of ME.
For a good hot minute I have been really distracted from being on guard by my flesh. Wondering who the true people are in my life to trust, to seek or counsel, trying to find those who believe I’m here for a purpose but also believe I need to grow and have the time and the love to pour to that into relationship. Feeling a bit like the last lonely samurai, Inwardly focused.
Bringing me to a point where I was more consumed with how to NOT offend or cause ripples than even how God viewed me and purposed me. So I withdrawal. I stop making decisions. I got fueled by indifference. Becoming consumed with human opinions rather than walking courageously with my creator.
I have really been struggling through this. I don’t think this struggle will be over anytime soon. But I know God is teaching me. I have to trust him. I NEED his word. I stand firm in the faith. Because he has asked me to be confident. It has nothing to do with my gifts, or my feeling of acceptance by anyone. I know I have so much to learn about who I am in him and how my gifts fit into that.
Yesterday he spoke so loudly through my daughter. I was drained after spending the weekend without motivation. Using the excuse for caring for sick family to allow me to not do things around the house etc. Rae had a rough time going to sleep Sunday – she has been so attached to me – that I promised her cocoa and coffee devos the next morning if she gave up and went to sleep. She just needed to get rest. Didn’t work completely. She was still up until 10. BUT the promise was made. Monday morning, we got comfy and she began to read:
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. -1 Corinthians 16:13
She went on to read how a confident girl is blessed because she knows who she is in Christ and doesn’t spend much time worrying about what others think about her.
For her 7 year old devotion, it is what she needed in a new school with new friends. One whom recently called her weird…girls are so mean. For me, this was the Lord’s words to get my footing back where it needed to be. I hadn’t been on guard against the distractions and games of the enemy. I hadn’t been firm in my faith and letting the Lord’s words speak into me and my every day moments. I had shrunk back and not been courageous and strong.
When I make the space for Him to speak and not someone I don’t know or who doesn’t know me via an opinion of me, a shared IG stories or a sermon blip – he gives me what he has purposed for me. When I give him my time for his word – God breathed scriptures – to fill my heart and mind first. I can walk with strength and with HIS vision that doesn’t need approval of men.
Now, I love social media, ha. There are really great inspirational things said via Instagram stories or in a devotional or a speaker quote from a teaching point. These uses of IG and sermon sound bites have purpose. I’m not saying that they don’t. God has given platforms and he will use them. But. I cannot live there. Those posts can reach people. Those sermon bites can possibly create curiosity for more of what someone is saying. But discipleship/transformation will happen ONLY secondary to being with the Lord. Furthermore, most of these posts are written from a perspective of what God has spoken into that person of that platform for a specific group – ESPECIALLY those sermon bits. These words that are being taught have most likely (hopefully) come out of a prayer closet for a congregation that a man or woman has been given responsibly for. So in the sermon/teaching’s entirety, there are things there for a specific group of people to learn and be discipled from. I don’t think that deep purposeful discipleship can happen in a 15 sec bite or reel. That is a rabbit trail in my mind that I don’t need to take you on for this blog…
When we are in this space of inward focus, those inspirational quotes, sound bites can become weapons in our war to be right. To have space. To validate our feelings and emotions. To push for authority. Those words can stop being something we add to our daily time with God, and become our gods. We have to guard AGAINST this inward focus. I have to guard against what comes out of hurt when I see something that strokes a hurt or validates my feelings and wanting to share that. When inwardly focused, we share them like pulling a trigger of bitterness or in a way of telling other how things should be done.
“This is what church should be”
“This is what a woman’s role is worth”
“A good parent does such and such”
THIS isn’t courage. It’s not strong. It’s building a case or standing on a soap box. I have done this. Honesty…It feels good to be validated of your emotions in a place – but what if we allowed more moments to go by to feel what emotions exactly come up when reading/watching some of these. Do we click to share faster than we pause and listen to what God could be pointing out. Something we may need to give to him to heal, rather than stoking a fire from embers that the enemy has keeping warm in our hearts?
I haven’t written in this blog in a very long time. There are notes on notes in my phone on topics that I have just written out to maybe one day be polished enough to encourage someone in this journey of life. Who knows if this is for someone today or just for me.
I do know that I have been called. I may not have all the grace of one person, all the biblical knowledge of the next, all the connections to the well written or well delivered, but I will share what God is teaching me. Courageously and firm in my faith.
-Jess
Oak and Pines 